If I could go back and tell you everything, I would tell you that I truly did love you with my whole heart. I met you between classes in high school, and truly trusted you with everything. I trusted you with things that no one else knows, my life secrets, because as you and I grew older in life, our relationship grew too. I would tell you that through thick and thin, ups and downs, good and bad, you and I seemed to always find a way to come out positively. However, things change, people change. If I had to come up with a particular reason as to what happened, I would say life happened. After you left for college, our lives grew into something so unexpected, we grew into the people we were meant to be, and not the people we "fell in love" with (I will tell you why I put this in quotes later on). However, regardless of what people said/told me -- I will admit, I was that naive girl, I stood by my "relationship", but again, this you knew, I do not need to tell you this. I allowed you to walk all over me, and the more I look back at the past, I did not know who I was without you. If I look back now, my worst fear in a relationship came true - I lost my identity in our relationship. I think back over and over, and I keep asking myself, what defines me? Yes, I had a wonderful high school life, and I have loved college, but other than my senior year of college, I truly cannot come up with ONE constant that's ALWAYS been in my life those times, except you, which isn't what I wanted for myself.
If I could tell you anything at all it would be that second semester junior year is when I truly believe that I started finding myself -- without you. I truly gained my independence and realized that my life does not revolve around you. I realized that even if what I have to say is not what you want to hear, you should still listen, especially if it's coming from someone you care about -- and that's something you did not do. You had me so "afraid" to make you upset when I had something to say so I just never spoke up to you, but then I also realized it was because you had a ton of skeletons in your closet and you didn't want your friends to slip up and tell your own little secrets to me. If I could tell you anything now, it would be that I am one of the most outspoken individuals, and don't have a problem telling you what's on my mind.
If I could tell you anything, it would be that I truly believe that I mentally checked out of our relationship long before it was over, and for that I am sorry. I believe I checked out because I could not believe what you did. I could not fathom the fact that people actually do those things, and truly believed that you could change as a person.
If I could tell you anything, it would be that going to Australia, I wish I wouldn't have had contact with you. I did not get to live up my experience there, and for that I regret. I re-read emails between you and I, and honestly, I spent so much dang time trying to talk with you instead of going out and living my life. Also, once I got back to the states, I made the 6 hour drive to Atlanta to see you, after flying 14 hours from Australia to LA and then 5 hours from LA to Nashville. So, jet lagged, I still decided to make the drive. If I could tell you anything I would tell you that you not showing up to pick me up from the airport like we had planned is what made me realize that things were not the same. And, from that point on, things had forever changed.
If I could tell you anything, it would be that I don't regret asking you about marriage in the car that evening, nor do I regret your response. Your response was honest, and from your heart, and though you say that you regret it, then at that moment that was your gut reaction. I would tell you now, that since that day, marriage is the FURTHEST thing from my mind, and when you asked me to marry you in August, I freaked out. ANYTHING and EVERYTHING ran through my mind, because of what happened not even a month earlier. When I made the decision to not visit that weekend it was because I was afraid.
Back to why I put "fell in love" in quotations-- If I could tell you anything it would be that I don't believe that you know who you are when you're in high school, nor do I believe that you know what true love is when you're in high school. Very rarely do high school loves work, unless the two individuals grow together, and are invested in the relationship TOGETHER. If I could tell you anything today, it would be that sometimes college loves don't work, people are figuring out who they are in college, everyone matures and is starting to figure out who they are/what they want at different times. If I could go back and tell you anything, it would be thanks- because without everything that happened, I would not be the person that I am today, and for all of that I am thankful! But, if I had just one last thing to tell you, it would be that you will find someone so incredibly amazing one day who is for you, and who will make you want to be a better person.
Until next time...
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